things to make and do

so I just started using Skype. it seems as if the whole world is on it, and in my zeal for catching up on all the latest crazes in technology, it seemed quite apt. the only thing i found is that you need a quiet spot to do it, or else anyone could wander in and things could get rather embarrassing. it's almost like sex, except of course you're not in the same room as the other person, so maybe more like masturbation, which is, of course, why they created the internet, or so I'm told. anyway, enough gutter talk. I'm here to talk about cooking. which would be more apt if I could actually cook. I do things well enough, except that I almost always forget one vital ingredient. more often than not this is salt. I live in a house where we all (myself included) like to keep the kitchen tidy. this is an admirable trait, except that I don't agree that leaving the salt in plain sight makes the kitchen untidy. however, in an attempt to appease my housemates, I put the salt away after use. this usually leads me to forget putting salt on my food, as I prefer to cook with whatever happens to be at hand. except if that happens to be mushrooms. I am fortunate to live in a mushroom-free environment, as the four disciples I inhabit this abode with also despise these small spawn of Satan. anything that thrives in cold, dark, damp places cannot be healthy, although I do hope this doesn't annoy the Russians, who I believe can sometimes be very healthy, allowing for unsafe amounts of vodka intake. anyway back to mushrooms. these fungi (call them what you will, they share DNA with athlete's foot) not only smell bad and look despicable, they cause severe intestinal damage. this has not been proved scientifically yet, but my last experience with them can ultimately testify (to me at least) the truth of this claim. it was in a diner, on Miami Beach, and I was having a hard time finding any other establishment in which to eat, I decided to order a Philly cheesesteak. I had enjoyed many of these in other places at other times, and I figured that I couldn't go wrong. the menu stated that mushrooms were an optional extra. at least I read it that way. turns out that NO mushrooms was an option. I didnt realize this till afterwards. while halfway through munching on my sandwich, I was horrified to see the demon fungus staring at me from between the meat and cheese. rushing outside to the busy beach road, I commenced to keel over like a drunk into the gutter and spew up my entire stomach contents onto the sandy beach. it was like this that my friends found me and helped me to my feet. I spent the remainder of that day in my hotel room, with feverish nightmares causing intense mental anguish.
I can't continue this post, my mind is too traumatized.
until next time.
DH